What to do when you get, ‘No Thanks’
Rejection is an awful experience. It doesn’t matter if it’s a job application or losing a bake-off, being told that you’re not the one can be a blow to the ego. If rejection in the vanilla world isn’t bad enough, being rejected in the swinging scene can really challenge your self-esteem.
Not every swinger couple will experience rejection during their adventures but it does happen to some degree to most couples. When it happens for the first time, the experience may be enough to turn some couples off the lifestyle. When it happens a few more times, it can be downright demoralising.
It’s therefore super, duper important to understand why rejection occurs, learn ways of dealing with swingers rejection, and aim to get back to enjoying the deliciously fun world that swinging is, 99.9% of the time.
Firstly, let’s go over some common reasons why you may get a ‘No’ instead of a ‘Yeeeeeeeesssss!!!’.
Universally Undesirable Traits
Be brutally honest with yourselves. If you have bad breath, bad teeth, visibly excessive sweating, excessive make-up, dirty nails, clothes, or hair, don’t be surprised if no one invites you back to their house for fun. Some of these things can’t be helped (dental work isn’t cheap!) but you should do your best to minimise the problem. If something can be easily fixed, then fix it! People only want to be around people who make them feel yummy, especially in the swinging scene. If you get rejected after the first date consistently, then this point is worth considering.
It may not be obvious to you but if you are rejected after the first or second date, or within an hour of meeting someone at a swingers club, it’s possible that there’s a clash of personalities at play. I’m not suggesting that people should modify their behaviour completely when meeting new people but it’s not a bad idea to keep strong opinions to yourself, or be mindful that shyness can be mistaken for aloofness or indifference. Ultimately, if four people can’t get along socially, it’s best not to see if sex makes things better.
Attraction is not always about how physically attractive someone is. I’ve met some of the most outwardly beautiful couples imaginable but they didn’t ignite my fire. Some people are turned on by hard bodies, but many others are not. Everyone has a type so if you are told that there was ‘no attraction’, don’t take it personally or that it equates to you not being physically attractive. It’s actually rare to be universally attractive. Most of us swingers are happy to be attractive to just 50% of the people we meet via swingers sites or clubs. Otherwise we’d never get any rest!
Same Book. Different Pages
It’s actually fairly rare for two couples to be so completely compatible with each other socially and sexually. When 100% compatibility is achieved, it’s amazing. Other times, one person isn’t ‘feeling it’ so another potential swinging session bites the dust. The reason why that person doesn’t want to play may be related to the three points given above, but as a general rule, unless you’re all happy to proceed, it’s a no-go. Just like a jury, the decision to swing has to be unanimous.
It’s Not You. It’s Them
Finally, you may never find out but it’s possible to be rejected for the most bizarre reasons. Your husband may remind the other lady of her ex-boyfriend, or they’ve worked out that your children attend the school that their nephew goes to and that’s too close for comfort for them.
So What Now?
Whatever the reason, it’s important to remember that being rejected is mostly out of your control, so don’t let it consume you. Swingers rejection happens to us all but we move on and meet other wonderful people who are probably better suited to us in the end anyway.
Just remember that you and your partner are a team so take comfort in each other, especially if the rejection was directed more at one partner than the two of you. Over time you’ll start being approached by people who are better at picking compatible couples, and in turn you’ll start developing a radar to avoid situations where rejection is possible.
In swinging, you soon realise that there is no black and white, especially where play compatibility and physical attraction is concerned. It’s hard not to take rejection personally but the sooner you learn to shake it off, the sooner you’ll meet the right play partners.